fuck

i don't know if i'm alive or dead anymore. every day is the same. i wake up go to work hit the gym fix myself dinner and go to bed. i talk to chris bacon once every evening at the gym. hes my only regular social contact since he is forced to see me every day at the gym because we work out together. i will try and call people when i have time but noone has any time for someone who can only hang out or talk at inconvenient hours. i have had to wake up every day since i've been home at either 4:30 or 5 am and arrived home from work every day between 3 and 6 pm. nothing means anything to me anymore. i think i'm having mood swings or maybe this is what being bipolar is like. or maybe i'm depressed. the concept of depression is a totally new introduction to my psychee since i have never experienced it before. perhaps i am experiencing it now. i feel lonely and bored all the time and think that any form of activity even talking to someone isn't worth the breath. i'm impatiently waiting for school to come so that i can get out of this downward spiral i seem to be stuck in. its about 25 days away now. that's almost 19 days of work. multiply that by a 11 hour average. that's 209 hours if i'm not working saturdays or sundays. i've checked cvs and online stores for medications that can boost my mood. prozak is hard to come by and anything else as far as i can tell doesn't work. i need something. speed and wryneline don't work very well.

i've never had to live like this every day where i don't own anything and i don't have my own room and the only reason i have a family who lets me live with them is because i pay their requirements.

someone told me sunday it's no wonder i get fucked up on weekends. i never reach in desperation for something solid and now i find myself doing just that. it's almost as if drugs and alcohol are my medication or my temporary cure for my recurrent burden i experience monday through fri.

if i know it's poison than why do i keep doing it? i'm not around people that tell me it's wrong.

i called allison the other day in a attempt to better understand whats happening to my head. she's the only person i told about my weakness. i thought hearing her voice would help me cope. that made me worse.

i can't tell anyone else. noone wants to hear something thats not important.

i just left the orthodontist. dr. vlachos gave me a brace because apparently i have destroyed my left jaw hinge. i have done this while sleeping by clenching my jaws very tightly and grinding my teeth. i was told it is because i'm experiencing a large amount of stress. i lied to vlachos and told him everything is peachy when he asked where this could be originating.

i'm going to go back to work now. bye.